Dear Pastor,

I am in my 50s and this is the first time I am confessing about my sad life. I was a very beautiful girl, and when I was 14 I went to seek a job at an agency. I told them I was 18 and they ran me out of the agency and told me to go back to school. I didn't have anybody to send me to school and nowhere to live, so I sat at the agency steps and a guy saw me crying and asked me what was the problem and I told him everything.

He took me home with him. If I went to the shop and he saw a man looking at me, I got a beating. I had to run away from him. I was on the street looking for work and a woman saw me and took me to a whorehouse. When the madam took me I was a young, innocent girl and I didn't know anything.

opportunities came

My grandma was a good woman but opportunities came her way and she grabbed it. At that time nobody knew where I was. When the madam got me, I couldn't get away from her. She turned me into a go-go dancer and a whore. I tried on several occasions to run but couldn't find anywhere to go. At least I was getting a little food and shelter. I am writing with tears in my eyes. Whenever the men came they only wanted to sleep with me, until the people on the street started calling me whore. I prayed to God for my mother to come and rescue me but she never did and I ended up getting pregnant. I was naîve, I didn't even know about birth control. But I knew who got me pregnant.

There was this guy who came and paid for the room for a whole month, and that was when I got pregnant. When I told him what had happened he said that he was living with his babymother. I met somebody who told me that they knew some of my relatives. They gave me direction. I took the country bus and went to find them. I reached late in the night. They took me in but when they heard who I was and they found out that I was pregnant they told me I couldn't stay there. I almost died for hunger. I never contacted my child's father. I carried the burden alone.

I ended up having six children but up until this day I cannot love anybody. I don't know how to love, my mother failed me and I asked God every day what I did wrong. I grew up every day without any feelings for anybody, but now I have 13 grandchildren, three living in England. One of my daughters lives with me and she has six children. My other daughter has four. I took 10 of the grandchildren. I took these children because I did not want what happened to me to happen to them.

was afraid

I have beautiful grandchildren who are well behaved. I see to it that they are. They attend church and take part in the activities of the church. They have the fear of God in their lives. I live for these children. They make me smile when there is nothing to smile about. I sent them to spend vacation but I had to hurry and go back for them because I was afraid that bad things will happen to them if they were not with me. Pastor, do you think that what I am doing to these children is based on my past, seeing that I never enjoyed my youth? It was stolen away from me.

These children are doing well in school but I am seeking some real help to buy some chicken layers to raise, so that I will be able to support these children. I know that among my grandchildren are doctors, lawyers and perhaps a prime minister. I put them in Jesus' hand. I know God is going to bless them. If anyone is willing to help me I will be glad. I don't want my grandchildren to suffer for what I did in the past. I love you, Pastor. Keep up the good work. God bless you.

A.

Dear A,

Whatever happened in your past I trust that you will put it behind you and continue to let God bless you abundantly. Evidently, God has been blessing you. He has given you wonderful grandchildren, and they are doing well.

However, I wish to suggest that you go to see a family counsellor and explain to him/her what had occurred in your past and how it is affecting you. I have discerned that there is much anxiety in your life and you sound very troubled. Of course, I am only judging from what you have written. I believe that you mean well and that you are a good grandmother, but you need to have someone teach you how to cope in areas where you are not competent. I repeat, you are a good grandmother but you need help. And please don't think that I am trying to put you down, I am not. I wish more grandmothers were like you.

You have had a rough upbringing. You became a prostitute at a tender age. That should not have happened. Whoever ran this brothel should have been reported, arrested and charged.

When you got pregnant and you sought help from your relatives, they rejected you. Perhaps if they had tried to help you, you would not have had so many children. It is not difficult to understand why you find it difficult to love. You have never been loved. I believe, therefore, that you need to see a counsellor.

I pray to God that somebody will help you to purchase the chickens. If someone is willing to assist you, I will contact you immediately.

Pastor