Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your letters and your answers in the Star newspaper and I enjoy them and I have learnt a lot. I am a 27-year-old female and at my young age, I have had my share of men, six in all. And the only relationship I have really enjoyed is with a man who was friendly with me and at the same time with another girl my age. We knew about each other and sometimes we used to talk to each other on the phone. When he was with me at my house, he would call her and tell her he was with me or she would call me and ask me if he was with me. He slept at my apartment sometime and sometime at hers.

He said he did not know what to do because he found me to be sweeter and much more pleasant than the other girl. She told me that he was always talking about me and saying that he was confused. I made up my mind to leave him when he told me that he was getting involved with a third girl. She was the daughter of a prominent citizen. He said that that girl would help him to get the kind of break that he needed. He asked me for my opinion. I told him that when he leaves that night he should never come back to see me, and he should erase every message that I have sent him out of his phone and I would do the same on mine.

He did not take me seriously, but when he came back to my house the locks were changed. I didn't answer his number. I told the other young lady what he told me and she called me back and said he denied everything.

Six months after, they got married and I found myself going out with different men and none of these men were as good as this guy that I dumped. I tried sex in different positions and in different ways but my mind was always on this man who fooled me. I thought I had the edge over the other girl because of what he said to me.

I am going with a man now who is twice my age. I have not told him about my sex story, I am afraid. Do you think I should? I would like to get married. This man is a divorcee. He has everything to make me happy. I have not yet accepted his proposal. Please help me to make a decision.

R.L.

Dear R.L.,

It is not necessary to tell the man with whom you are having a relationship about your ugly past. It would not help your present relationship. However, what I suggest is that both of you should go for premarital counselling. This man was married before and he might be entering marriage with certain amount of baggage. And you too have baggage from your past relationships, especially with the guy who pretended that he did not know which of you to marry.

I also want to tell you that a good relationship is not based on sex only. If you are judging relationships by the kind of excitement your first guy created, you would be making a big mistake. Don't block your mind against your present boyfriend. Don't judge him by the standard or behaviour of other men. I wish you well.

Pastor