Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am 40 and have been married three times. My first marriage was not serious. My second marriage was a disaster because, on the very day of my wedding, I was not sure I should have been getting married.

To make matters worse, the man I really had loved attended my wedding. I did not invite him. It was my brother who had told him I was getting married and insisted he should come.

When I saw him, my bouquet almost dropped out of my hand and I started to tremble. My husband asked what was the matter and I told him nothing. He knew I was lying.

After we signed the register, he asked me, again, what was wrong and I told him I just got a little nervous.

When the ceremony was over and we were taking family pictures, I told my brother to ask my friend to leave. My brother said, OK, but if he was leaving he would leave also because he was the one who invited him.

The guy stayed away for a while with my brother before they left.

I tried to make life with my husband but he is not Jamaican, and was always passing dirty remarks about Jamaicans. He was very mean and divided every expense in the house by half. I had to pay half of every bill

I could suffer abuse but I could not live with my husband who discriminated my Jamaican people every day but slept with me at nights. He was not a good lovemaker either so he drove me into cheating.

I know you are going to say I shouldn't have cheated on him but he never showed me compliments and he used to criticise me, even in the presence of his friends while his friends admired and wanted to sleep with me, so we broke up.

I am now married again but I not enjoying the relationship. I am beginning to feel I should not have got married again. My husband also told me he made a big mistake by marrying me. I do not have children and he has two. They are living with us but I cannot stand them. I would prefer my husband and I to live alone, but had I made a promise to him, when we met, that his kids could live with us. Now I feel that their mother should take them. My husband said that it is better for me to go because he is not giving up his children.

Pastor, I need your help.

W.N

Dear W.N.,

You might not like what I am about to say but, as I see it, your husband should stand his ground. You need professional help. I am not at all condemning you. When you got married the first time, you said it was not a serious marriage.

I am not prepared to say it, but I suspect what type of marriage it was. Your second husband constantly tried to degrade Jamaicans. He was a fool. You might have done things to cause him to feel that he could 'take liberty' with Jamaicans but he ought to know that Jamaican women cannot be judged because he and his wife does not get along.

What is really wrong with you, woman? You met another man and you agreed to marry him. You also told him you would allow his two children to live in the house, now you are insisting he should find another place for them to live because you prefer to be alone with him.

Why should your husband run his children out of his house? Why should he disrupt their lives? Why should he spend money to put them to live at another place when he has a home and the whole family could be together? Your behaviour is nutty.

I think your husband should ignore you and, if you want to go, should allow you to go without a fight.

Pastor