Dear Pastor,

I am 17 years old. I will be 18 on the 30th of December. I have a boyfriend. He is a big man. He and my parents were friends. I knew that when I was growing up, but I thought they were just good friends because this man and my father used to go out all the time. He used to take me out and buy me gifts and my parents never said anything. I got to love him and even put myself in his way for him to love me. He took my virginity, and it was after we had sex a few times my mother asked me if I am having sex with him and I told her yes. I didn't hide it from her because my mother and I have a good relationship.

When I told my mother that we had sex she turned pink (she is of light complexion) and she said, "That dog. I didn't expect him to have sex with you." And she kept saying, "That dog, that dog. I am going to kill him." I told my mother that he didn't force me, I love him and I had sex with the man I love. When I saw him I told him what my mother had said and he said I shouldn't have told her that we had sex.

That night while we were in bed at his home, he said he had something to tell me but I should not let my mother know. He told me that some years ago my mother cheated on my father with him and that is why she is reacting that way. I told him he should have told me that before and if I had known I would not have had sex with him. He said that was past and gone a long time.

My mother wants me to stop talking to him. I have tried but he shows me so much love that it is hard for me to stop. My father has lost his job and so my boyfriend takes care of me. My father doesn't know that my mother cheated on him. My father is not against our relationship but every time I remember what my boyfriend did, I cry. Please give me your advice.

R.M.

Dear R.M.,

I do not like when women describe men as dogs. By doing so they seem to be saying that all men behave the same way. And that is not true at all. Your boyfriend's behaviour is indeed repulsive. He has no moral standard at all. He is shameless and iniquitous. No wonder your mother called him a dog.

The truth is, however, your mother disgraced herself by cheating on your father with this man, and although she knew the type of man, he is she allowed you to have absolute freedom with him. I do not like to use the word blame but I must say in this case that she must bear some of the blame.

She wants you to end the relationship with this man but it is difficult for you because he means everything to you. He supports you totally. Your father is not working and is therefore unable to give you what you need.

I can understand why your mother does not want you to continue to have a relationship with him because every time you are with him, it would bring back memories. Frankly, I believe that it is better for you to leave this man but I know it will not be easy for you.

Pastor