LET'S KEEP IT

IN THE FAMILY

Dear Pastor,

I am 37 and recently divorced. When I met my husband, he promised we would not only live together, but would die together because we were so much in love.

We went to church together, did everything together but I never got pregnant and that was always a concern for my husband. I told him we could get help but he said he wanted me to get pregnant naturally.

Then three years ago, I found out my husband was fooling around with other women. He started to come home late and was secretly on the phone with other women. I confronted him and he admitted he was cheating but always protected himself.

One of the women he was cheating with was my cousin, who confided in another cousin that she had sex with him. He had discussed with her his frustration of not getting me pregnant and wondered whether they could agree for her to get pregnant by him. He would convince me to take the child and, in that way, everything would remain in the family.

Forgive him

I was so furious. I could have destroyed my husband. I mean, I felt like killing him. This was not a distant cousin either. My husband is very charming and knew my cousin was having some financial problems, so he tried to entice her with money.

I could not deal with his behaviour so I divorced him. Now he is asking me to forgive him and wants us to live again as husband and wife. He said if we got back together we could adopt a child. He is 40. I don't know what to do. I still love this man.

Recently, we spent a weekend together. He tried to have sex with me but I told him no, because he did not have condoms and I didn't have any feelings for him that way. It is hard. I never had another man since we were divorced. I don't even feel for another man. It is strange, though I don't feel for another man, I do feel for sex.

Please help me to make up my mind, please, and thank you.

S.B

Dear S.B.,

This man has come to realise what he did was wrong. He wanted you to get pregnant but wasn't willing to work with you. He liked the idea of getting you pregnant the normal way. There was definitely a breakdown in communication. He wanted to have his way. Unfortunately, he destroyed the relationship.

The question may be asked, why did he become intimate with your cousin? Was he looking for sympathy? Why did your cousin agree to have a relationship with him? Well, perhaps I shouldn't ask, that because you said she was in financial difficulties and needed money.

Where do you go from here? You seem to want to give this relationship another chance but are not sure if that would be a wise decision. This man is on his knees begging. He might even be shedding tears at your feet, but you should not be moved unless he is prepared to drop all his women and have sessions with a family counsellor.

What he has done took many months to get him there so you should not be in any rush to get back with him. Even when you go out and he has condoms, you should not have sex with him until you have completed sessions with a marriage therapist and remarried. If, after you have had sessions, you are still not comfortable, you should not consent to remarry.

I understand what you mean when you say you do feel for sex, sometimes, but not necessarily for a man. I think you have fallen in love with your sex toys. I hope you will be able to forgive your husband, fall in love with him again and put away the toys. Unless, of course, you will want to use them together, occasionally. Yes, people will curse me for what I just said but, who cares?

Make the appointment to see the therapist and get back to me.

Pastor