Dear Pastor,

I have a problem and would like you to help me with it. When I was 19, I had a girl child. The father didn't own her so I never got any support from him. I was living with my parents. My father told me not to go after him for any money because he did not own the child. He didn't want me to take him to court.

My father took over and supported my baby. My mother kept the child while I went back to school. She was very proud of her first grandchild. The child called my father daddy.

Five years ago, I met another man and we fell in love. I got pregnant by him. I did not want to carry another child and not be married, so he agreed to marry me.

He was building a house and when it was liveable, we moved in. I was eight months' pregnant. After I gave birth, I went home and stayed with my mother until I regained strength.

By that time, two rooms on the house my husband was building were finished, so I moved back and took my first daughter with me.

I now have three children, all girls. My husband is still insisting I should have a son. I don't think I can manage another child. What I am writing to you about is not because my husband wanta another child, but because he ignores my first child.

He will play with his two but not the eldest daughter.

I have asked him whether he likes her. He said he doesn't have anything against her. He does not ill-treat her, but I can sense the love he has for his two is not the same for the eldest.

The little girl sometimes says he doesn't like her because he buys things for the others, not for her. Sometimes I cry.

One Saturday evening, he told me to get the girls dressed because he was taking them out. I dressed all of them. He called me to say he was not taking the eldest because he wants the children to go with him to visit his mother so he was not taking her.

I started to cry and told him that it was alright. I told my eldest daughter he was taking the children to be with his parents, but the both of us were going to have fun. I whispered in her ear that I was going to take her to the movie. She was excited but my heart was heavy to know she could not go with them.

We went to the movies and I saw a friend with her children and they took us to have fish. We had fun. When we returned, my husband was not pleased.

Pastor, did I do anything wrong? As I said before, he doesn't ill-treat my daughter but I can feel the tension. I want him to change and treat her like the others.

Please advise me how to handle this situation.

Worried

Dear Worried,

I am glad your husband does not ill-treat his stepdaughter. If he did not want the child to live with him, he should have told you from the beginning of the relationship. Perhaps he thought you would have left the little girl to live with your parents. It does not appear as if you had discussed that with him. You took it for granted that everybody would have lived together as a family. Your husband is making a big mistake by ignoring his stepdaughter. You don't have to tell your daughter anything. She is observing how he treats her sisters.

Make sure you don't make a big issue of it but make sure the younger children do not get more than your eldest daughter. Tell your husband if he is purchasing dresses, he should do so for all of them and you will reimburse him for what he has spent. Don't make a big issue over it, just make sure that your eldest child is not left behind in anything.

Pastor