Dear Pastor,

I am 43 years old and I always read your column, but I never thought that the day would come when I would write to you about a problem. Pastor, I was with a man for three years. We did not get married, but we lived as husband and wife. I can't speak bad of him. The house I am living in, he bought it before I started to live with him. He has two children, but not with me. I do not have any children and that is something I would have loved to give to him. It didn't bother him and, every time I mentioned that to him, he said that I was his baby. He started to call me baby. If I was in the bedroom or anywhere and he wanted me he would say, "baby, come here." I didn't like it at first, but then I got accustomed to it.

He became seriously ill and died. He has three brothers and one of them became very close to me. He called me every day after his brother died and then he came to Jamaica and stayed with me. I innocently allowed him to stay at the house. I know that I didn't have any ulterior motives. He said he didn't have any either. I treated him as an in-law. I never exposed myself to him.

He used the guest room and the bathroom, but after he was here for a week I noticed he couldn't keep his hands off me. Then he told me how much he admired me in a funny way. He explained what he meant by funny. He said he wanted us to be friends and I told him we were already friends. I told him "no way" and I asked him what people would think of me. I went into my room and cried and I wanted him to leave. He followed me into my room and hugged me and, when he did, something in me moved. I wanted him to go and I wanted him to stay.

I didn't talk to him for two days. He went to Ocho Rios and checked into a hotel and I felt bad. I called him and told him to come and when he came back, that was it. I had sex with him and I broke down and cried.

Now, pastor, what must I do? This man has been taking care of me and sending me money and now he wants us to get married. He said I should leave his side of the family alone; he would take care of everybody. I love him so much. Do you think it is right to marry him?

D.G

Dear D.G.,

I believe that you allowed this man to stay at the house because he is the brother of your deceased lover. I accept what you said. You had no ulterior motive, but I am not sure that this man's motives were pure. But whatever the motives were, both of you are now lovers and he has been supporting you financially. It is not illegal for a man to marry his deceased brother's wife or, in your case, the woman he had lived with for a period of years. Some folks may say that, although it is not illegal, it is morally wrong.

This man got you to fall in love with him and you were not strong enough to resist him. I am not prepared to condemn you, but it will take a long time for some people who knew your man to accept his brother as your husband. They may even say that both of you were together while he was alive. You know that's not true, but there is going to be a lot of talk around, so brace yourself for that sort of criticism.

If you decide to marry this man, I would suggest that you do so in a very private ceremony without fanfare. I also suggest that before you get married, both of you go for pre-marital counselling.

Pastor