Dear Pastor,

I am 35 and have a child who is 10. He does not live with me. He lives with his father and stepmother. I have a boyfriend and we have been together for two years. He does not like to talk about marriage but I want to get married.

He lived in America but was deported. He did not tell me he was a deportee. I had no reason to be suspicious because he had a good job. A friend who heard he and I are are in a relationship told me. I asked him about it and he admitted to it. He said he did not tell me because I might not have wanted him.

He is a nice man but I am wondering whether he was married. He said he does not have any children. He said everything will work out for us. He said he'll return to America. Since we've been dating, he helps with my rent but, to me, his real wife is his car. He is always doing something on his car. I don't know anything about his savings. I believe that he has a girlfriend abroad. He does not allow me to use his cell phone but he has used mine because I have nothing to hide.

I think he is hiding things from me. Do you think I am wasting my time in this relationship?

D.S.

Dear D.S,

I do not know whether this man is hiding anything from you that is relevant. I suggest you be careful because he did not inform you about his background. You should have known he was deported and why. That was not something you should have heard from a friend.

You would like to get married but this man is not interested. Perhaps he is married and his wife lives in the States.

If he was not married and does not have any inclination to do so, it could be that he was hurt by a woman and does not see the need to make such a step.

I don't want to encourage you to stay with this man if you plan to marry. You are getting older. If you stay, you can only hope that he changes his mind about marriage.

I am assuming you want another child by the man who marries you. Perhaps he is not interested in getting you pregnant either.

It is difficult for me to intelligently address your problem, not knowing all the facts. I am sure you have tried to get as much out of him but he doesn't say much.

You should not be carried away by his generosity. He helps you pay your rent but that's not good enough.

Therefore, I would suggest you ask him to accompany you to see a family counsellor. Tell him you are unhappy and would like to get married and start a family.

I suggest you insist that you and him visit a counsellor and discuss whatever might be preventing him from committing to you. Family counsellors are trained and know what questions to ask, so you should be in a much better position after meeting with one.

If he refuses to go, you should consider ending the relationship immediately.

Pastor